


If I had the Alibi

by orphan_account



Series: Prongsfoot [1]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Established Relationship, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, No Voldemort, Past Lovers, Quadriplegia, Rekindling romance, Toddler Harry, quadriplegic Sirius
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-14
Updated: 2016-06-14
Packaged: 2018-07-14 23:41:40
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,149
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7196048
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It wasn't ever supposed to be that way.  James was never meant to lose Sirius.  So when four years go by and James finds him again--he's angry, and desperate to keep him.  Things might have changed, but James knows that Sirius makes him happy, and that's all he's ever needed.</p>
            </blockquote>





	If I had the Alibi

**Author's Note:**

> So this is written for a-starr-among-millions who requested- I'd like to request a fic with a quadriplegic main character. Maybe Sirius or James? And a massive thank you, darling, for all your incredible help on this fic. I hope it's what you wanted, and if there's anything I've got wrong, please let me know.
> 
> I did loads of research, as much as I could cram in from google and youtube videos and articles written by quadriplegic people. The syntax that I've written Sirius' speech in is based off people who use ventilators. It's not as dramatic of a pause as it comes across in print, but it's the only way I could really work out how to describe the pauses caused by the way the vent works.

James pushed open his front door just as the fire in the lounge flared green. As it roared, it was followed by a high-pitched giggle, and he took several long strides over. Holding out his hands, he managed to catch the excited bundle of three year old who flailed his legs, clambering further into James’ arms for a proper hug.

“Dad!”

James ruffled the boy’s hair, taking a step back from the mantle as the fire roared again. A second later, the spinning figure of Lily arrived, and she stepped out, brushing the soot from her jeans before reaching into her pocket for her wand. She banished the ash from herself and then from Harry who giggled at the sensation, and buried his face in his father’s neck.

“Alright?” Lily asked. There was a level of tension to her voice which had not abated, in spite of the fact that their divorce had been finalised nearly two years now, and she was engaged to be married. Which, as it was, was the reason why James would be using up all of his holiday time at work to take care of Harry for the next month.

“Yeah, not bad. Coach is annoyed that I won’t be around as much, but he can’t really complain anyway. He’s going to be busy with the new seeker. Thanks again for doing this during the off-season.”

Lily waved her hand as she reached behind her for Harry’s things. James’ face cracked into a wry grin as he noticed she’d packed Harry into her old Hogwarts trunk, and he met her eyes with a laugh in them. “Well he should be sorted. I think I’ve got nearly anything he could want. And of course you have the open floo to ours if he does.”

“You can stop fretting,” James said, hitching Harry up higher on his waist. “We’re going to have a brilliant time. Right?”

Harry nodded sagely. “No veg. No veg!”

“Plenty of veg,” James defended. “Are you trying to lose me my bollocks here?”

“James,” Lily scolded. She held out her hands, and took Harry for a tight squeeze. “I’ll see you for the wedding, okay?”

“Yeah, okay,” Harry said, and squirmed away from her kisses so he could dart down to his room. They heard the door slam, and Lily sighed.

“Look, this feels…I mean, I don’t want you to be overwhelmed or anything.”

James rolled his eyes. “I’ve been there since he was born, Lils. I’m not afraid of taking care of my own child.”

Her cheeks went a bit dark, and she tugged on a strand of hair. “It just feels selfish.”

James sighed, pulling her in for a friendly hug. “I love you. You know that I always will, and you know that I support you and Marlene to the ends of the earth. Take some time, _be_ selfish for a little while. Harry and I will be fine, and we know how to reach you if he needs you.”

She offered him up a smile and sighed. “Just hope I’m not cutting into your own social life.”

“I have none to speak of,” James said, giving a quiet laugh. “I mean moving back to London hasn’t done me any favours, honestly.”

Lily pulled away, giving him a careful look. “It’s only…it’s been years, Jamie. Years, and he hasn’t turned up. It might be time to…”

“Please,” James said, pinching the bridge of his nose right under his glasses. “Not right now, okay? I’ve sent an owl out to Moony now that I’m back. He’ll want to see Harry and everything.”

Lily nodded, then squeezed his shoulder. “If it’s meant to be…”

“Yeah,” James said, but the thought didn’t exactly cheer him up at all. He’d heard it a thousand times over the two years he’d been on his own, and there was still no Sirius. He hadn’t seen him since the night of James and Lily’s wedding, and for every returned owl with the letter still attached, James died a little more inside.

He’d loved Sirius.

Loved him.

His body ached and craved him. At Hogwarts he couldn’t ever be bothered to unplaster himself from Sirius’ side. Even when his fancy for Lily developed into something proper, there was always Sirius just under his skin.

Sirius had been the one to stop what they had, even as James wept and begged. Sirius had taken James’ face between his hands and kissed him and said in the most broken voice James had ever heard, “It’s better this way, Prongs. You need things from her I can’t give you. I know I’m doing the right thing.”

James sulked and mourned and begged and pleaded for weeks, but when it was clear Sirius wouldn’t be giving in, James gave up. James asked Lily out, and the look of devastated triumph on Sirius’ face was almost enough to break him.

And James had loved Lily, and she had loved him, but they had been fixated on the things the world told them they should have—marriage, kids, jobs, whatever it deemed normal. And they’d been miserable. It was Lily who had come to him one night and confessed.

“I’m in love with someone else, and have been since just about forever. And I know you are too. I know you spend your days missing Sirius and it’s time we just be honest with ourselves.”

James had suffered a second heartbreak that day, but that one was far easier to reconcile. That one led down a path where he could be free, should Sirius ever come into his life again.

The only problem—he’d disappeared. Not a single one of their old friends had heard from him or his brother again. Remus never ceased searching, and Peter—who worked for the Americans now in New York, had a few of his people searching abroad, but it had been fruitless.

Before James could wallow again, there was a tapping on the glass and he turned to see Remus’ owl waiting. Hurrying over, James let the owl inside, and took the letter from its leg, offering a few treats and a drink from his own owl’s water dish.

**Prongs,**

**I’ll be by tomorrow and the zoo sounds lovely. Can’t wait to see you and Harry. Send Lily my love.**

**Best,**

**Moony**

James set the letter on the desk. It wasn’t Sirius, but it was something. James was craving the company of his old friends again—of his old life he’d let slip through his fingers. He’d do anything to get it back—even just a fraction of it. He was willing to sell off pieces of his soul if that’s what it took, and he knew he’d split the world in half if it just meant glimpsing Sirius’ face one more time.

*** 

“Moony Moony Moony!” Harry bounced as Remus entered the flat, and giggled when he was picked up and thrown into the air. Remus kissed Harry’s cheek before letting him down, then dug into his pockets for a packet of Bertie Bott’s Every Flavour Beans for the boy to sample.

James pulled a face. “Really?”

Remus laughed. “I took all the really dreadful ones out. Thought he might like a nibble on grass and dirt though. Since he’s three and all.”

James snorted. “Yeah.” He beckoned Remus over to the sofa whilst flicking on the kettle with his wand and a few moments later, the tea floated into the room. They each took a mug, and stared at each other before bursting into a laugh. “Why is this weird? This shouldn’t be weird.”

“It’s just been a while,” Remus said with a shrug.

James sighed as he took a long drink. “Yeah. How’s erm. Teaching, and all that?”

“Not bad,” Remus said, grinning. “There’s always the concerned parent once or twice a term, but I like to think the kids are getting a better education on magical creatures with me there.”

James rolled his eyes. “Professor Moony.”

“That’s Lupin, to you,” Remus said.

James reached out and kicked Remus’ shin. “You’re always going to be Moony. He of the flooded third floor corridor, and turning all the Slytherin’s hair gold and maroon they day they won the House Cup.”

“Okay that last one wasn’t even me. That was Peter and Siriu—” Remus stopped abruptly, his face falling. “Sorry,” he muttered after a moment.

James shook his head. “Don’t. It’s…we’re allowed to say his name, okay? He was just as much a part of it as we were. I just…wish I knew where he was.”

Remus nodded, his face falling into an expression James couldn’t read. Then he sighed. “Why don’t we go out, yeah? Harry? You want to go out to the zoo now?”

“Will there be snakes? And ducks?”

“Er…”

“I want ducks,” Harry said petulantly. “Can I haff a duck?”

“I’m not keeping a duck in the flat,” James said dryly. “But if there are any ducks, I bet you can feed them.”

Harry gave a shout of triumph before grabbing his shoes and throwing them at Remus. He plonked down and shoved one socked foot up at the werewolf. With a laugh, Remus grabbed him by the ankle and gave a little tickle before putting on the boy’s trainers and tying them up.

“Come on, we can take the tube,” Remus said, holding a hand out to Harry.

The boy jumped up and looked at his dad with wide eyes. “Yeah!”

“Just…” James sighed and shook his head. “Please do not levitate anything this time. I don’t have it in me to obliviate a compartment full of muggles.”

*** 

The day went as well as could be expected. James didn’t have to obliviate anyone, though Harry was overly excited so he did have to cover up a few instances of the boy’s uncontrolled magic. But overall the day had been good, and they stopped at a small café for lunch before heading back to the tube.

James didn’t say anything, but he knew where they were. Just blocks from Sirius’ old childhood home, though he had to wonder if Remus knew that. James had been a handful of times when Sirius and Regulus were younger. The visits had never ended well, though, and it was for that reason Sirius never even considered having Remus keep him company during the early summers before Sirius had run away.

Harry was busy pouring spoonfuls of hot chocolate onto his scone, and mashing it into his plate as James and Remus sat in comfortable silence. He was staring out the window when suddenly something caught his eye.

His heart nearly stopped. For a second, just a split second, he swore it was Sirius. But the jaw was too sharp, nose too narrow, hair too short. Regulus Black was walking on the opposite side of the street, holding a paper sack close to his chest as he fumbled in his pocket for something.

James was on his feet before he was aware of it, darting out of the café, and hurrying over. His voice was stuck in his throat, and he could hear Remus’ footsteps behind him, but he didn’t care. No one had seen either of the Black brothers in years, and now here was evidence that they existed.

Or, at least, one of them did.

James’ hand darted out, and he managed to catch Regulus by the sleeve of his coat, spinning him. The younger brother’s eyes went wide flickering between James, then to Remus who was carrying a laughing Harry on his hip.

Remus caught up, panting, holding out a hand. “Fuck. I’m sorry I…I didn’t think.”

It took a moment for the words to register, for the fact that Remus was apologising to Regulus to register, and with his hold still on the younger brother, James’ head whipped round. “You knew,” he accused in a whisper.

Regulus tugged, but couldn’t pull free. “James…”

“You shut up,” James snapped, his head whipping back to Regulus. “You…my letters…they…where is he? Where the hell is he?”

Regulus’ jaw went tight, and he glanced at Remus before suddenly yanking away, turning, and disapparating.

James clutched at air, then spun on Remus. His breath was coming in gasps the pain in his chest so intense he thought he might pass out. When Remus tried to touch him, James pulled away sharply, his eyes narrowed in a glare. “Don’t you dare.”

Remus’ cheeks were flushed, and he held Harry tighter. “Come on, Jamie. Let’s go back to yours and I’ll…it…it’s a long story, but I’ll tell you what I can.”

James swallowed, then took Harry out of Remus’ arms, turned, and disappeared with a loud crack. They landed in the middle of the lounge, Harry giving a groan, and rubbing his fists into his eyes. “Yucky.”

“I’m sorry, kiddo,” James said kissing Harry’s forehead. “How about go play with your lego, okay? Cos daddy and Moony need to have a little chat.”

As if on cue, Remus appeared a few feet away, and James felt his body go tense again. Harry gave both Remus and James a curious look, but obeyed his father and disappeared into his room. When he was gone, James lowered his voice, and rounded on his friend.

“How long?”

Remus took a breath. “About a year.” When James looked murderous, Remus held up a hand. “There’s a reason I didn’t tell you, James.”

“And what would that be?”

Remus’ eyes darted to his feet. “He asked me not to.”

James felt the crushing weight of that confession like a tonne of bricks sat on his chest, and he groped for his armchair. Lowering down, his hands shook as he let them hang between his knees. “He asked you not to. Remus I…I’m in love with him. I haven’t stopped being in love with him since school and I…”

“I know,” Remus said quietly. He came over, kneeling next to the chair. “I don’t…I don’t get to see him often. No one does. But I’ve told him when I can.”

James pursed his lips, then looked at his friend. “He’s at that horrible house, isn’t he? Grimmauld Place.”

Remus nodded. “He is.”

“It’s warded.”

“It is.”

“So if he wants to see me, if he truly does, the wards will let me in.”

Remus looked at him carefully. “There’s a reason he hasn’t written. And I…I don’t think I ought to be the one to tell you.”

“Is he married?”

Remus laughed a little. “No. James, he’s irrevocably and forever in love with you. There will never be anyone else for him but you.”

“That’s how he is for me,” James cried. “It’s never…he’s never…”

Remus shook his head. “It’s complicated.”

With that, James rose, suddenly bound and determined, hands clenched into fists at his side. “You know what, this is fucking bollocks. I’m going. You stay here and watch Harry.”

“James,” Remus said quietly.

“No,” James said. “I’m going. And I’ll stand outside the house and scream and shout until either the wards let me through or I bring the place down. I’ve had enough.”

Remus didn’t book argument, nor did he stop James as the bespectacled man opened his front door, and left through it.

*** 

The walk to Grimmauld place took ages, and it was nearly sundown before James arrived. He could feel the magic of the wards surrounding the gate, and suddenly his Gryffindor courage felt like it was leaking through a sieve. But he was here, and there was no turning back, and he made himself breathe and reach for the gate.

For a moment, the air around him hesitated, like he was reaching through a wall of jelly. Then he slipped through, closed his hand round the latch, and pushed his way in. The magic pressed on all sides, but he was through as he reached the door, and raised his fist to knock.

It felt like an eternity passed before the door opened, and Regulus’ tired face appeared. He gave James a careful look, then swung the door open a bit wider. “I told him.”

“I should hope so,” James ground out. “Does he know the letters were sent back? Did he ever get a single one?”

“He knows.” Regulus looked at him carefully. “If you shout at him, Potter, or make him feel like his choice not to tell you was wrong, I’ll kill you. Without hesitation. Without mercy.”

James lifted a brow at the threat, but pushed inside anyway. His eyes darted round the dark foyer, seeing nothing familiar. The place had been gutted, not totally re-designed, but it was a far cry from the all-but dungeon it had been when Walburga had been alive.

“Where…?”

“Up the stairs,” Regulus said tiredly. “Third bedroom on the right.”

“That wasn’t…”

“No,” Regulus said quickly, “it wasn’t his bedroom. It is now.”

James grabbed the banister and began to ascend the stairs. Gone were the old house elf heads, and the grim, grumbling portraits of old Black family members. Now was just dusty wall, a bit of damp here and there, but nothing terrifying.

James felt his legs suddenly grow heavier, and he wondered if it was his own apprehension, or if it was part of Sirius’ magic trying to keep him away. James had dreamt of this moment thousands of times, in various different ways.

It had never occurred to him to look here, of all places. Not in the place which had brought Sirius the most misery.

He supposed it was just as well. Sirius _would_ know the one place James would never come looking for him. Sirius knew James better than he knew himself.

With a breath, James touched the door handle, then knocked then pushed it open.

It swung, a creak of the hinges. The room itself was massive, expansive, the windows magically extended to let light in. There was a bed in the corner, and several machines near it that James didn’t fully understand. In fact, the whole scene was confusing.

Sirius was there, sat in a strange looking chair on wheels, a strap across his upper chest, and something…James didn’t know what…attached to his throat. There was a rhythmic puffing sound coming from it, and Sirius’ chest was rising and falling with it.

James swallowed and met grey eyes.

Sirius didn’t rise. Didn’t move. Didn’t lift a hand in greeting, and it took James far too long to register why.

But eventually he did, and his knees felt suddenly weak.

“When?” His mouth formed the word before he could really think, and Sirius let out a breathy laugh as though he had expected it. As though it was a very James thing to do, because really, it was.

“The night of…your wedding.” Sirius’ voice was the same, but different. More hoarse, far more pause between words. “I was coming…home from the…party. I was too…drunk to fly…so I tried to…park the bike. Lorry driver didn’t…see me there and…hit me. I didn’t notice…before I could…Apparate.”

James took several steps forward, but when he saw Sirius’ jaw tense, be stopped. “You can’t…you’re…it’s…”

“It’s called quadriplegia…and it’s…from the neck…down.” Sirius blinked and James saw the barest movement from Sirius’ finger and the chair turned slightly to the side, then rolled forward just a bit.

“Is that why…” James tried again, motioning to his own throat.

Sirius licked his lips. “It’s a vent. Muggles use…something like it…to help breathe. But my magic…interferes with the…electronics. They put…together something like…the muggles use.”

James’ head was shaking before he realised it, and he took a step forward, then one back. “Is that why? Please, please Sirius. Fucking tell me that was not why you rejected my letters.” His hands curled into fists at his sides, wanting to close the distance between them and touch him to confirm he was here and it was real and this was all happening. However it was happening. “Tell me that’s not why you left me wondering where you’d gone. If you were…if you were still alive.”

Sirius looked at him for a long moment, then swallowed thickly. “You loved her.”

“I loved you,” James retorted. This time he did take a step forward. Then another. And a third. He was almost close enough to touch him now, but he wasn’t sure…he had never seen anything like this before. 

“You married her…and had a baby…with her,” Sirius said.

James’ eyes widened. “You…you left me. I begged, Padfoot. I got down on my fucking knees and begged you not to leave me. I didn’t want her. She bloody left me for Marlene!”

Sirius’ eyes widened and his chair jolted forward a bit, then stopped. “Regulus said you…had split up but…I didn’t realise.”

James shook his head and put one hand in his hair, tugging on it hard. “All this time, because you thought I loved her more than I loved you. Fuck’s sake, Padfoot.”

“It’s…” Sirius stopped and then his finger twitched and the chair moved forward until it bumped James’ knee. They were so close now James could hear the puffing whirr of the vent on his neck. He could feel the crackling magic surrounding Sirius. He could see the belts and straps holding him to the chair. Sirius was thin now. His arms and legs atrophied, his chest moving rhythmically from the machine helping him breathe. James didn’t understand it. He didn’t understand what had happened, or how, or…was it going to be like this always? It wouldn’t matter but he was lost. Confused. Nearly four fucking years since the night of his wedding and Sirius had been here all this time.

“You’re not getting rid of me again, I hope you realise that. You have a godson…” When Sirius’ eyes widened, James snorted, “Yes I fucking well made you his godfather, Sirius. You were my everything, you stupid bastard. I can’t believe you left me like that. I can’t…” He backed up and found himself falling to the edge of Sirius’ bed. Sirius moved forward again, though not touching James this time. “Tell me.”

“Tell you what?”

James looked up, his eyes pleading. “Everything. Does it hurt? Can you move anything? Is it forever? Can we still fucking grow old together like you _promised_?”

Sirius didn’t answer for a long time. “It’s forever. I have involuntary… movement in my finger. The healers said… it’s from my wandless magic—that because I… was so good at it before… the accident I can…it takes concentration but… I can control my… chair with it. And everything. It’s all tied…to charms they put…on me so I can…use the things muggles…do without electricity.”

James’ jaw tightened. “Does it hurt?” he repeated.

“Sometimes.” Sirius blinked slowly. “I can feel…pressure if you touch…my arms or legs. But I…can’t feel hot or cold.”

James licked his lips, his hand reaching out as if to confirm that statement, but changed his mind halfway through. He wouldn’t. Not after this long, and not without his permission first. “Four years.”

“Four years,” Sirius confirmed. “I don’t know…if I can grow…old with you. There’s a lot of…complications.”

James reached his hand out again, and met Sirius’ eyes. He shifted off the bed. “Sirius I…”

“Okay,” Sirius said, breathy.

James moved to take his hand, then paused, then reached out and touched Sirius’ cheek. He drew his fingers up into his hair and heard another, heavy swallow. “I missed you.”

Sirius let out a noise, might have been a sob for all James knew, but his eyes were closed now and his head was tipped forward so far, his forehead was almost resting against Sirius’. “I missed you.”

James grinned, then opened his mouth to speak but instead a whimper came out and he let his forehead drop. “Fuck. Fuck you for being so fucking stubborn. And fuck me for not even thinking to look here because I should have.”

“You should have,” Sirius repeated. “But I knew…you wouldn’t so I…figured it was the best…place to go. Reggie hates…it here.”

James snorted as he pulled away, dropping back to the bed. Sirius’ chair shifted forward again, and James absently put his hand over Sirius’. It felt like it always had. A bit colder, he supposed, but the room was cold. The only difference was it didn’t turn to meet his, so he just tightened his grip. “I bet he does. He takes care of you or what? How does this all work, Padfoot. I mean…they couldn’t…there was no way to fix it? Not magic or…or anything?”

“I was taken to…a muggle hospital. They didn’t…get healers to me…in time,” Sirius confessed. He licked his lips, then his eyes darted to his bedside table where a cup with a straw sat. James absently reached over and picked it up, bringing it to Sirius’ mouth. He took several sips, then pushed it away with his tongue. James set it aside, then looked at him to finish. “Certain things are…too delicate for even…magic to fix. Your eyes…my spine. The brain.”

James had known that. He’d known that because in Quidditch they had to learn how to protect themselves, that certain injuries could not be fixed with a wave of a wand or a potion phial. He knew this. The risks had been explained to him. It just seemed so unfair. Remus could tear himself to bits every month, people could lose entire limbs in a splinching accident, and it was a bit of a struggle to see first-hand where magic ended.

“I suppose that makes sense. I think I knew that, anyway. One bloke from the reserves on the Kestrals took a bludger to the spine. Never found out what happened to him, but he didn’t come back.”

“You’ve done well…though haven’t you?”

James rolled his eyes. “We are not talking about my stupid job right now, Padfoot. Four years later, we’re not talking about Quidditch.”

“Where’s Harry?” Sirius asked changing the subject.

James’ eyes darkened with irritation, but he sighed and said, “With Moony. Who will be doing his own penance later. He knew. Sirius…how could he know and not me?”

“He’s in love…with Regulus.”

James’ eyes flew wide. “He what?”

At that, Sirius laughed and pushed forward to bump James’ knee with the side of the chair. “He never mentioned a secret lover…or anything?”

“I was in Scotland!” James crowed, his hand tightening on Sirius’. “I never saw him, that fucking bastard. He’s going to owe me so much.” They looked at each other, both smiling, and James’ entire body went warm with the feeling of rightness because Sirius was still here and he was touching him and he was real and the four years of a vast emptiness in his chest was slowly, slowly being brought back.

Sirius’ smile faded a little, and he bit down on his lip for a moment. Before either of them could speak again, the door to his room opened and a witch in plain, purple robes bustled in with a tray levitating next to her. She startled at the sight of James.

“Oh. Your brother didn’t mention you had company.”

Sirius blinked, then said, “He was unexpected. A friend…from school.”

“Mm,” she said, and levitated the tray down onto Sirius’ table. “Hogwarts, was it?” She regarded James for a long moment. “You look familiar.”

Cursing under his breath, he smiled brightly. “I think I just have one of those faces.” He glanced at Sirius who snorted quietly and rolled his eyes.

“No,” she said, and began to prepare Sirius’ lunch on the tray. “No it’s…” She stopped and stared. “Oh Merlin. James Potter. From the Prides?”

James sighed. “I was. Got traded to Kenmare.”

“My husband is a huge fan,” she gushed. “Do you think I could get an autograph? And you know Sirius?”

“Better than I know myself,” James said stonily, and sent another glare at Sirius who was flushing pink on his cheeks. “It’s just been a long few years, and I’ve been away.”

“Sirius,” she scolded, “you should have told me you knew a celebrity!”

Sirius said nothing, eyes darting between the witch and James. “I was embarrassed to…admit I knew a…tosser like him.”

“You’re such a prat,” James muttered. “What’s happening now?”

“Lunch,” the witch said. She picked up a quarter of a sandwich, and James then realised that magic or no magic, these were things Sirius needed done for him. As in forever. He startled, then reached out and grabbed her elbow just before she reached Sirius.

“Can I? I mean, we were sort of…catching up. I could um. Have lunch with him.”

She raised a brow, then looked at Sirius. “Alright with you, dear?”

Sirius’ face was unreadable, but after the longest, most tense pause he said, “Swear you won’t try…to murder me with my…lunch, then fine.”

James shot him a V as he reached for the tray. “Seriously, forever a prat, this one. But it’s fine.”

“I’ll come back for the tray and to check on everything after. You two enjoy your catch up. Oh and I’ll bring a quill with me.” She bustled out, shutting the door tightly behind her.

“Celebrity,” Sirius said with a laugh.

“Fuck off.” James stood, grabbing a chair so he could sit next to Sirius, then carefully started to feed him. “It’s weird, isn’t it? Me doing this. Is it always the healers?”

Sirius chewed for a bit, swallowed, then said, “Reg sometimes does…if he wants a chat. But mostly…it’s the healers. I have…care round the clock.”

James got him another bite, then took one himself and hummed. “Is it better with them.”

“You know everything’s…better with you, you…fucking great prat.”

James leant his head forward, bumping Sirius’ cheek a little and making him scowl. “Really? Is it? Because four fucking years makes me question that statement.”

“James I...” He stopped through, and just looked expectantly at James who fed him the rest of his lunch before another word was spoken. “This is stupid.”

James crossed his arms petulantly. “Yeah, it is. It’s the bloody stupidest thing I’ve ever…I mean for fuck’s sake, Padfoot. If you were injured I’d have been here! If you think I care…if you think I…”

“It’s not that,” Sirius replied forcefully. He turned his chair slightly to better meet James’ eyes. “This isn’t…easy for me. And I…don’t like it. This isn’t…how I expected to live…out my life. But it…is what it is. And I knew…if you had…gone through the same thing I…wouldn’t have thought you…were different. Any less…James.”

“So why…”

“Lily. I need so…much care now…and you’d have been…here with me. Not her.”

“You’re bloody well right, and maybe I wouldn’t have wasted four years in a marriage I didn’t want to be in.” James let out a frustrated groan and rubbed his hand down his face. “I never stopped loving you.”

Sirius’ face was pained, his eyes dark with emotion. “I never stopped, either.”

James shook his head, then leant over and pressed his lips, dry and soft, to Sirius’ cheek. “I’m coming back tomorrow. And after that. And every fucking day because if you think I’m going to let you go now that I’ve got you back…”

“I don’t,” Sirius said.

“I need time to process this, though. And you need time to decide if you really want me here.”

“I know,” Sirius said very quietly.

“Moony will be along, I’m sure. To probably beg for forgiveness. If you feel like hexing his arse, you have my blessing.”

Sirius laughed quietly. “I owe him one…I suppose.”

“We both do. So make it a good one. Can I…can I bring Harry?”

“If you like,” Sirius said, but there was a brightness in his eyes that wasn’t there before, and James knew then that this was a new start. And it was nothing like he had imagined, but it didn’t have to be. Sirius was back. Sirius was back. Sirius was back.

That was his mantra as he made his way downstairs, passing the healer, stopping to give an autograph, and ignoring Regulus as he went for the front door.

Sirius was back.

And it would be alright.

*** 

Remus looked petrified as James stepped in through the front door, and James took a bit of bitter glee from it. Remus had lied to him. To his face. Repeatedly. For a year. James had been out of his mind with grief, missing Sirius, and Remus had known the entire time.

He wasn’t even upset that he’d been surprised by Sirius’ accident and his paralysis. He could deal with that. But to know that he was alive, that he was here…he was close enough to just reach out and touch him…

“I don’t know if I can forgive you,” James said.

“I’m sorry.” Remus, who had Harry on his knee, let the boy slide down. “Go on and have an ice lolly, Harry.”

“But…” Harry looked at James, then at Remus. “Can I? But tea?”

“Go on,” Remus said. “Your daddy and I need to have a chat, okay?”

Harry scrambled to get one, then hurried into his room giggling like he was committing some grand prank. James looked after him fondly before the irritation set in, and he sank into his armchair. “Bloody hell, Remus. I was going out of my mind for years. And you…you and Regulus?”

Remus flushed and looked down. “It just sort of happened. I ran into him—quite a lot like you did today. We got to chatting. Sirius wouldn’t let me come and visit. He was struggling then, more than he is now. He had infections they couldn’t control and …” Remus trailed off with a sigh. “He’s in better health now and eventually he stopped being such a stubborn arse. But he begged me not to tell you. I told him you and Lily had split but he seemed to think it wouldn’t last.”

“Fucking…” James ran his hand down his face, smudging his glasses, but he didn’t care. “He’s not going to get rid of me so easily.”

“He doesn’t want to,” Remus assured him. “He never stopped loving you, you know.”

“So he says. But how can he feel a fraction of what I do and want to stay away from me for years?”

Remus shrugged. “Well, because he loves you that much, he was willing to sacrifice what made him happy for what he was so bloody sure would make you happy. He saw the way you looked at her.”

James felt a wash of guilt because he’d been in love with Sirius, but it was true. He’d fancied Evans. She was bold and brash and wonderful. He couldn’t imagine a better person to have a child with, and he’d always love her. It had been unfair to Sirius, his curiosity. Even back then he knew if Sirius had eyes for someone the way he did for Evans, he would have been destroyed.

“It’s different now, though. I hope you realise that,” Remus said. “His life now, it’s not…it won’t be easy.”

“I don’t give a shit,” James groused. “What makes you think…” He stopped and shook his head. “Would he care? Would any of that matter if the roles were reversed. I might have been a bloody fool for my feelings about Evans but I don’t love him less. So you tell me, Remus, would you be warning him?”

“Yes,” Remus said. “I’ve been in and out for a year, and sometimes he’s doing really well, and other times he’s not. He’s accepted that he’s disabled now, James. He accepts his life, but he doesn’t always love it. And he’ll take it out on you.”

“You and I both shouldered the brunt of his rage at his family,” James reminded him. “Sometimes you more than me. Sometimes me more than you. And I don’t think this is the same, but it’s not like I don’t know him. I just…he’s Sirius. It’s…he’s everything, Moony.”

“Well I’ve told him that about a thousand times, so maybe it’s finally got through his thick skull,” Remus said.

James sighed. “You should go. Regulus is probably expecting you, and Sirius is probably going to hex you so, watch yourself.”

Remus pulled a face, then got up and tugged James into a firm embrace. He pressed a kiss to the corner of James’ mouth. “You can be cross with me for however long you like. I’m just happy that it’s come to this. He needs you, however much of a git he’s being. And you need him. And it’s about time you two sorted that out.”

James nodded, then watched as Remus walked to the fireplace and called out Grimmauld Place. In a flash of emerald flames he was gone. It meant one thing as well—the Grimmauld Place floo was open to him. To his flat. Which meant Sirius was expecting him back. And it meant he wanted him there.

*** 

“Harry,” James said over breakfast the next morning. He had a wet flannel and was mopping up raspberry jam from Harry’s dark, round cheeks. “We’re going to see my friend.”

Harry blinked owlishly up at him, his eyes a mirror of Lily’s. “You has a friend, daddy?”

James snorted. “Thanks kiddo. And yes, I do. I’ve told you about him. Padfoot? He’s your godfather, you know.”

“Oh yeah okay!” Harry said, and flung a bit of toast at James, giggling. “But is he my friend?”

“He’s your friend too,” James affirmed with a nod.

“Yeah, he’s probably my best friend,” Harry said solemnly. “Can he fly me on a broom?”

James winced, trying to work out how to explain it to his son. He’d spent half the night thinking about Sirius. About what his life was like, the limitations he had, how it would be if they…and would Sirius even want to be with him after all this? He had Harry half the time and that could be something Sirius wasn’t interested in dealing with.

“No, Haz, he can’t fly you on a broom. Sirius is in a wheelchair. Do you know what that is?”

“Nope,” Harry said, and dunked his toast into his tea, watching it float.

“Well it means that Sirius can’t move his arms or his legs, so he has to be in a chair that moves for him. Do you understand that?”

Harry looked at him with a frown. “But…why?”

“He had an accident, and got injured. Sort of like how daddy has been injured at Quidditch, only the healers couldn’t help him the way they could help me.”

Harry’s bottom lip pointed out. “But could he still give hugs?”

“No,” James said slowly, “but you could hug him, and I bet if you ask very nicely, he could give you a kiss.”

“Yeah okay. Best friends could do that,” Harry said. He bit his lip. “Is it scary?”

“No,” James said. “He uses machines sometimes and he needs help to have a bath and eat and drink. But it’s not scary. He’s still your godfather and I love him very much.”

“Okay but I love him more cos he’s my best friend. Let’s go!” Harry jumped up from the table and grabbed James’ hand with surprising strength, yanking him up. “Right now let’s go, okay?”

James snorted but figured now was a good a time as any. He considered walking, or taking the tube again. But he wanted to know if it would work, if Sirius would really and truly let him in. So he went to the fireplace and hauled Harry up onto his hip, and threw the floo powder down. “Number Twelve, Grimmauld Place.”

There was a hesitation, then they began to spin and Harry laughed as they came to a halt in a very familiar parlour. Regulus was on the sofa with Remus, both holding mugs of tea, and although Remus looked a bit startled, Regulus merely regarded them with a raised brow.

Harry saw Remus and brightened, but when his eyes fell on the stranger he didn’t know, he clung harder to James. “But he’s got his hands fine,” Harry whispered.

“That’s Regulus,” James said. “That’s Sirius’ brother and Remus’ er…”

“Boyfriend,” Remus supplied. He held his hands out, and Harry wriggled out of James’ arms, running across the thin carpet. He was swept into a hug, kissing Remus on the cheek before giving Regulus a somewhat suspicious look. “Harry, this is Regulus. Regulus, this is Harry.”

“He looks nothing like Evans,” Regulus remarked. He put his hand out, and Harry gave it a polite shake.

James snorted and shook his head. “Christ. Well. Is Sirius er…”

“He’s having his physical therapy,” Regulus said. “Have a cup of tea. It’ll be done in about twenty minutes.”

“He’s expecting me, isn’t he?”

Regulus rolled his eyes. “James, for all that Sirius has been a giant twat about the whole thing regarding you, he’s been expecting you for four bloody years. Have a seat. And have some tea.”

The tea appeared for both Harry and James as they sat, Harry settling himself between Regulus and Remus. Harry studied the younger brother for a moment, then declared, “You’re okay if you want to be my friend too.”

Regulus looked mildly startled, but James didn’t miss the way the corner of his mouth twitched up. It never ceased to amaze James how Harry could crack even the most stoic of purebloods. “Thanks,” Regulus finally said.

Harry leant against him, and nodded, sipping his tea and no one said a word until the healer came down. She wasn’t the one from the day before, but she didn’t look surprised to see more guests. “Finished for the afternoon. Everything’s been changed. He’ll need his bath later, which I can do before Maura takes over, if you like.”

James’ eyebrows rose. “Or I could. You know. Help.”

Regulus smirked. “I bet you could. You’ll have to ask him, but it’s probably safe to go on up now.”

“Remus, do you mind? It’s only, I want to make sure Sirius is alright with having Harry in.”

“But he’s my best friend!” Harry cried indignantly.

James gave him a stern look. “I’m sure he is, but I need to make sure he can have visitors who are three, alright?”

Harry pouted. “I’m almost four.” He held up four fingers and shoved them into Regulus’ face. “So I’m big now.”

Regulus snorted into his tea, but said nothing as James turned and headed up the stairs. A few, small protests echoed through the door, but by the time James was at the landing, he couldn’t hear Harry anymore. He made his way to the bedroom, paused with his hand splayed against the wood, then knocked and let himself in.

Sirius was in his bed this time, instead of the chair. He was sat up against pillows, and a book was levitated in front of him, the pages turning every so often. When James stepped in, Sirius looked over, then the book eased itself down and closed.

“Hey,” James said, taking a step in. “Do you mind if I erm…?”

“Obviously not,” Sirius said.

James crossed the room and sat on the bed, letting his hand fall onto Sirius’ calf. “You opened the floo for me.”

“Reckoned it would be… easier than you having to… come in the muggle way,” Sirius said quietly, words punctuated with the whirring puff of his vent. “I heard the…shouts downstairs. Best friend…am I?”

James laughed softly. “Seems so. He’s very…well. Determined.”

“So like you?”

James huffed. “I’d like to think that’s a good thing, you know. He’s excited to meet you, but I didn’t want it to be overwhelming.”

“Does he know about…me yet?”

“Everything,” James said. “At least that I knew how to explain. He’ll probably ask a hundred rude, invasive questions and ruin all the good work we’ve made together but…”

“But he’s going…to be just like you so…I’ll forgive him,” Sirius said with a wry grin. “I remember the platform…when you demanded to…know my family. Then you…asked if I had any…dark objects in my…trunk.”

James felt his cheeks go hot at the memory. “Yeah. Bit of a twat, me. But you liked it.”

“Yes,” Sirius said, his voice firm.

James felt the desire to kiss him again, and looked over at the soft, grey eyes. “I want to kiss you. Padfoot I…”

“Yes,” Sirius said once more.

James shifted, mindful of everything attached to his former lover. His hand reached out and he cupped Sirius’ cheek, letting his thumb brush across the skin, and Sirius’ next breath came out with a slight shudder. Then James let their lips meet gently, but not as careful as his instincts told him to be. He couldn’t help it. For so long he’d craved this, and knowing he was kissing Sirius again was almost too much.

He pulled away after a minute, after Sirius’ lips had gone a bit stiff, and he pressed their foreheads together. “Too much?”

“And not enough,” Sirius said. “I want you. It’s been…so long.”

“I know,” James said, and felt his throat tighten. “We should go slow. It’s been years and I’ve only just got you now.”

“I know. It’s different…now. It won’t be the…same as it was.”

James nodded against him. “I figured but it doesn’t matter, does it? It’s you, Padfoot. And me. It’s…” He swallowed. “Christ I just need to be near you.”

“Go get Harry and…we can revisit this in…a little while.”

James nodded, then practically peeled himself away as he rose from the bed and headed for the door. Even being away from Sirius for a second was a bit much, and he bit down on his lip to control himself as he made his way back to the parlour.

When he stepped in, his eyes went wide as he saw Harry using crayons to colour on a protesting portrait of Orion Black. “Harry!” James cried.

A snickering Regulus shook his head. “Trust me, it’s fine. That portrait could do with some improvements.”

All the same, James walked over and swooped Harry onto his hip. “God, he’s going to think it’s okay to colour on all your ancestors now.”

“Good,” Regulus said with a shrug as he snuggled into Remus. 

“They kissed,” Harry said, pointing. “Did you kiss Sirius?”

James felt his cheeks go hot again, and he swallowed. “That’s something we can talk about later. How about we go meet your best friend, yeah? He’s waiting.”

“Okay. Bye Reg-less.”

“See you, Bambi,” Regulus said with a smirk, and James groaned but didn’t argue as he made for the stairs.

He was nervous. He was nervous how Harry might react, nervous that Sirius wouldn’t want to deal with having a child around along with everything else he had to deal with. He was nervous he could lose what fragile connection they had again, over something small and insignificant.

But he had to find his old Gryffindor courage somewhere. It was part of him, in his blood. With a breath, he reached for the door and pushed it open. Sirius had a tiny smile when they walked in, and it grew bigger when Harry let out an indignant squawk.

“But you said he gots a chair with wheels!”

James’ eyes widened in horror, even if Sirius laughed. “I do,” he said. “It’s right over…in the corner there.”

Harry followed Sirius’ gaze, then wriggled out of James’ arms and rushed over to it. “Can I touch it?”

“No,” James said as Sirius said, “Go on.”

It was no surprise Harry chose to listen to Sirius instead of James, and he ran his hands over the sides, and the back, and the straps. “Could I haff a ride in it sometime?”

“Maybe,” Sirius said. “You should come…over here so I can…meet you properly.”

Harry obeyed, leaning one elbow on Sirius’ bed, his green eyes blinking up owlishly. “We’re best friends, okay?”

“Alright,” Sirius said, and glanced over at James with one of their old, secret smiles. “How old are you…Harry?”

“Three, but I’m going to be four and go to school soon and be so so smart.” Harry shuffled and bounced on the tips of his toes. “Can I come up?”

James walked over. “Is it alright?”

“Go on my…right side, okay?”

James eased Harry to the bed, then sat with him to ensure the boy didn’t dislodge or disconnect anything. The boy wriggled until he was right up against Sirius’ side, the way he had been with Regulus. 

“Um I meeted your brother, Reg-less. He’s sometimes nice, but he’s not my best friend like you are.”

“He’s no one’s…best friend,” Sirius said with a snort.

Harry cocked his head to the side. “How come you talk slow?”

“I have to have…this tube in my neck…breathe for me so…it takes me more time…to say words.”

Harry hummed, then reached out and touched the small tube, then shrugged. “Yeah okay. But are you tired? I’m in bed when I’m tired.”

“I was a little…tired from my exercise,” Sirius said.

Harry gave a yawn suddenly, and shuffled down to lay his head on Sirius’ thigh. “Okay let’s have a nap.”

In seconds, as only a three year old could do, Harry was out. Sirius raised a brow at James. “Is he really…asleep?”

James laughed and ran his hand over Harry’s back. “Seems so. He gets that one from Lily.”

Sirius let out a small sigh and his smile was even softer. “He’s great. He’s wonderful…and I wish I had…not been so stubborn.”

“I wish it too, but we’re here now. That matters, right?”

“It matters.” Sirius looked at James for a long time. “Kiss me again.”

James did. He carefully put his hands along the sides of Sirius’ neck, stroking just under his ears, and Sirius groaned very softly as their lips met once more. This time with a little more finesse, and when James pulled back, they were both a little breathless.

“Don’t push me away. I’m here. Keep me,” James begged. 

“It won’t be easy. All of this…is forever, Jamie. It’s not…going to be like it was.”

“I know, but I’m here for it. You want me, right?”

“I do,” Sirius said.

“Harry already loves you. And Regulus and Remus are here and it feels like this is where we always should have been. Lily will kill me—literally AK me where I stand, if I don’t fight for you with every fibre of my being. So let’s just…let’s try. Okay?”

Sirius smiled, then kissed James once more. “Then okay. I’m all…yours, Prongs. Always…have been.”

*** 

**Epilogue**

James’ knees ached as they pressed against the hard porcelain of the tub. He was hovering over Sirius, both breathing heavy as he pulled his fingers back away from his lover’s hair. The water was warm, cloudy with the bubbles, and soothing. The echoes of his orgasm thrummed through his body, and from the pink tinge to Sirius’ cheeks, he was fairly sure Sirius had as well.

“Alright?” he breathed.

Sirius pressed several, soft kisses to James’ mouth which still hovered in close to his. “More than. It was…wonderful.”

“Were you able to?”

“Yeah,” Sirius breathed. “Yeah I was. It was…not a strong as the last…one but it was good.”

James had read up as much as he could get his hands on, and they’d been experimenting for a few months now. The books he’d gotten explained that the brain re-wired erogenous zones when the body lost feeling, and Sirius had a particularly sensitive one just under his ear. Just the dullest suck sent him over the edge sometimes. It had been six months now, that James had found Sirius again, and he finally felt complete.

“I’m the luckiest man in the world. Though I’m still bitter about the four years,” James murmured as he kissed the corner of Sirius’ mouth. Easing out of the tub, he grabbed a towel to dry off, then shrugged on his t-shirt and boxers before reaching for his lover.

Pulling Sirius from the water, he eased him onto his towel-laden chair, and began to dry him with a careful sort of reverence.

“You really need…to get over that,” Sirius groused, moaning a little when James moved up to dry his hair. “You’re such an…obnoxious stubborn prat.”

“Yeah, but I thought that’s why you loved me,” James said with a slight pout.

“Keep telling yourself…that, Prongs.”

James huffed and leant in to nip at the end of Sirius’ nose. He covered him, then pushed the chair into the bedroom to get him dressed. “Black or blue jogging bottoms?”

“Black. Like my soul,” Sirius said.

“Over-dramatic twat,” James said as he carefully eased Sirius into his pyjamas. “Bowie or Mercury?”

“How is that…even a question?”

James shot him a V as he pulled Bowie from the drawer and slipped it over Sirius’ head and got his arms through. He then carefully lifted him into the bed, adjusting his tubes and vent, then climbed under the covers to snuggle in. Harry was with Lily and Marlene, and would be back on the weekend. The healers had done their final round for that night, promising to check in as they always did whilst the couple were sleeping, and Regulus and Remus were off on a short holiday now that James was living there.

“I can’t believe you turned this place habitable,” James said in the dark, glancing up at the light trickling in through the window. “You know, in all the worlds I imagined finding you again, us settling in Grimmauld Place never occurred to me.”

“I know,” Sirius said quietly, and chuckled when James kissed him along his jaw. “I don’t pretend…to understand it. I’m just…grateful you’re here…with me.”

“Me too,” James said quietly, and snuggled in, nuzzling along Sirius’ neck before he closed his eyes. “Merlin, I am so lucky. I love you.”

There was a long pause, so long James thought maybe Sirius was asleep, and then came the very soft, very quiet, “I love you too.”


End file.
